the junk corner and other things I need to deal with

The above image is an accurate visual representation of my life lately. I've spent three hours goofing off on the computer this morning in avoidance of this and a million other scenes like it - in my house and in my life. But the disorganization around me is starting to mess with my self-esteem. Proactive action must be taken. Immediately.

First I will eat the two Girl Scout cookies contained in the white bowl pictured above ... (Lemon and a bit stale. And there was only one. Still totally worth the distraction!)

Other things I need to deal with today:

1. Purchase and replace battery in smoke detector (pictured). This was ripped out of the ceiling when it started beeping incessantly a couple of weeks ago. It's the one right outside my daughter's bedroom. This is No. 1 because I'll be reported to Social Services if I don't take care of this pronto. 

2. Dishes. I'm not the type who leaves dirty dishes in the sink, but due to my daughter not cleaning out the dishwasher (her job!) I had a good excuse. She completed the task 3 days ago.

3. Draft two heartfelt emails. Gotta go to that deep, thoughtful place to convey my sincerity toward both recipients. Watching youtube videos is so much easier!

4. Take care of ant problem in bathroom. I wiped out an entire colony with cleaning spray a couple of days ago. Now the unpleasant task of scooping up the remains. 

5. Sync my ipod for new music/podcasts. Dangerous territory here as it will draw me toward the object of my addiction. 

6. Untangle mass of cords beneath my computer monitor including outlets for memory card, speakers, i-pod sync, two pairs of ear buds, and at least 3 wires I cannot identify. (Lord, prevent me from logging onto Facebook to see how many friends liked the video I posted, while attempting to accomplish this task.)

7. Untangle a similar mass of tangled strands on my high dresser: About 7 necklaces intertwined with Lord knows what. There was something sticky there when I tried to retrieve a bracelet the other day.

8. Water and resuscitate dying houseplants. 

re·sus·ci·tate

9. Go through contents of totebag I carry into the office each day. In it are "important" pieces of paperwork that should be dealt with THE DAY I take them to work. Some of the items have been in there since 1998.

10. Oh gosh ... TAXES!

11. Worse ... THE WASH! (about 16 loads should do it!)

12. Head over to Trader Joe's and stock up on wine. Priorities.

Wish me luck ... !

Annette Funicello - Dream Boy

The blog was getting a bit heavy so I thought I'd lighten it up a bit. Heard this in the car on the oldies station the other day. Preciousioso!!!

two birthdays

It always seemed fitting my mother and brother Tim shared the same birthday: Today, March 22. I can't explain the bond they shared. It wasn't blatant, just a quiet understanding between them.  While my sister and I spend most of our childhoods vying for own voices in the family, Timmie seemed to have his just by being. He and my mom were alike in so many ways, both possessing independent natures that profoundly directed the courses of their lives. Their longing spirits led both of them to live outside of their own homelands: Mom from Germany to the States to marry my dad; and Timmie from the States to Germany to join the Air Force - as if he had a calling to explore the part of himself that came from her. He got to know mom's German family, became fluent in her language, and walked the same streets as she walked as a young girl. How proud she must have been!

I can't imagine losing one of my babies, and it makes sense to none of us that my mother lost hers. And while years have passed and much of her pain has been replaced by really great things, I know the birthday bond is still there. My prayer for my mother is that the sadness is replaced by happy memories of the boy - and man - she raised.  He was the best person I ever knew, and I know my mom would multiply that statement by a million. Happy birthday to both of them!

a really good therapist

I'll admit it, I've spent many hours on the couch in a therapist's office.  I remember telling her during those horrid days of seven years ago that I felt broken and unfixable. I wanted her to erase the disappointment and anger and make everything great again ... after all, she was the expert. It was almost frustrating the way she'd just listen to me rant on and on, only offering feeble retorts like "How did that make you feel?" "Duh. It made me feel like crap and that's why I'm sitting here paying you $80/hour!!! Just tell me how to make my life OK and I'll be out of your hair!" Well, we all know that's not how it works. The aha moments came to me all on my own. Slower than I wanted, but they came. Thank God for my wonderful therapist - an angel on earth - and her amazing listening skills.

Life has offered up a new batch of crap in recent months, and sometimes I feel I need to make another appointment. But this new, fresh pain brought me instead to my current prayer spot of choice: a tree stump on the grounds of a hillside overlooking the great pacific. I shut off the ipod and waited for my answer. "Just tell me how to make my life OK and I'll be out of your hair," I demand. I sat there for a half-hour, and while peaceful and serene, not a wise word was offered. "What do you want from me? 80 bucks an hour?!" I got up, near disgust, and was greeted by the cutest little lab puppy who undoubtably had a master not far behind I'd have to interact with. To my surprise it was my good girlfriend and her husband taking a Saturday stroll. It would take at least one separate blog entry to tell you how much I love this woman. A relatively new friend, her amazing depth and willingness to reach out has proven to be one of the great joys in my life. We hugged, chatted briefly, parted ways. Seeing her right then and there I realized I had my answer - partially, at least. "More of this."

Friends and family have offered me well-meaning advice in recent days, and a large part of my turmoil involves deciding whether or not to follow it. They want me to have the marriage ceremony, the white-picket fence, and the happily ever after and they see no indications of these things happening in my current situation. But ending this 3-year relationship would wipe out a huge source of unconditional love in my life, the depth of which only I can measure. My well-meaning sources really have no idea. It is clear that my situation does not fit tidily into anyone's preconceived notions of a committed relationship - but does that make it invalid?

I smiled on the walk home reflecting on the simple joy of bumping into a really good friend. I spotted a family of deer, as I often do in my foresty neighborhood. Nine times out of ten it is a mother deer with her two foals. I always see this scene as God's little reminder that my primary role in life is that of mother-deer  - to see that my children are fed, protected, and well-raised, even at my own sacrifice. In all of my decisions, this comes first, I again confirm.

I must also nurture the other unconditional loves in my life: Friends, family, partner - all of whom completely have my back. Who's to say they aren't all of equal importance? I'm reduced to tears when I think of the value of the lot I've been given.

Like a good therapist, God just keeps listening. The answers are coming.

Solitude sitting

Crossroads

Unique growth.

Transformation in progress.

Emerging.

In bloom.