Laura Marling - A Creature I Don't Know

Night After Night

I don't stand for the devil
I don't whisper in ears
I stand on the mountains
And call people to hear

It's a tempting communion
It's a fate foretold
It is knowing
It is knowing - what it is that you're told

the aftermath

"Where's the rock I crawl under to go and die?"
- Mayim Bailik (TV's "Blossom") on the show "What Not to Wear"

I'd been dreading the day. Monday was the court hearing to finally resolve child support issues with my ex. He lost his high paying job last year and is now working as a construction subcontractor, his income significantly reduced (at least on paper). While I did my best to convince the judge of our dire need for the support amount we were previously receiving, she pretty much went with what was reflected on the financial statements in front of her. Oh, and apparently, after you've been divorced seven years and have still not remarried, the court thinks you're no longer entitled to spousal support. My daughter and I took a pretty big financial hit.

I drove away from the courthouse frantically trying to come up with a plan to make my life work. There had to be an answer. I could .... Or I could ... Nope. I'm pretty much screwed. So I resorted to prayer. I think God especially hears the "I got nothing else here, so I'm turning to you ... on my knees" kind of prayers. Well, as close to on my knees as I could get while driving a car. He got an earful of fervent prayer and screaming on that ride.

I made a stop at Costco before heading home. Only orange juice and toilet paper, I decided in the parking lot before going in. Things are different now — I cannot let myself be sucked in by all the wonderful products. My cell phone rang and it was my son. He learned he lost his $20,000 scholarship due to his less-than-stellar grades the first semester of college, and he was making the difficult call to tell his mom.

Really God? Just when everything was going so well? In the past five months the boy's moved out, landed a job, fallen in love, started college, possessed the promise of a great future, and has been more confident than I've ever seen him. Now you're gonna do this?

It occurred to me that all that had happened in the courtroom an hour earlier wasn't such a huge deal in comparison. I've often been financially challenged and emerged just fine — and I have great support systems ... I got this. But my baby is hurting and my mother instinct is kicking in big time.I drafted a desperate letter to the scholarship foundation pleading they reconsider. They needed to know the extenuating circumstances. They needed to know I raised an amazing young man who just  bit off more than he could chew in his first semester. He WILL go on to do amazing things and is SO worth investing in! As of yet I have not heard back from them.

I well know that sometimes you need to feel the ground giving in beneath you and make the necessary adjustments to really discover the truth about yourself. The higher the points of the quake on the Richter Scale, the greater the amount of truth realized — at least that's how it's gone down for me. It's from that honest place, while you're climbing out of the hole, that those really good life decisions can be made.

But why can't it be different for my little boy?

Photo by Melissa Mathieson