Sunday, June 12, 2011

too stupid to live

Kirstie Alley, as Rebecca, getting more bad news. Will things ever go her way?

It's been an event-filled month, wrought with triumphs and challenges, blessings and bad news.

Here's a list to get you up to speed:

1. My boy graduated from high school. He received $21,500 in scholarship money.
2. Hosted a graduation party and invited both sides of the family, some of whom haven't seen each other since the divorce. Things went surprisingly well.
3. My boy started a new job at a record/gaming/comic book store. One week out of school and he's already put in about 30 hours.
4. My ex-husband has been laid off for two months and no job in sight. I hate that I have to depend on him for income. I'm a college graduate for godsakes!
5. Court date tomorrow morning for the purpose of "support modification," arranged by said ex.
6. My girl just left for the best week of her year: Christian summer camp at Hume Lake.
7. Car needs four new tires and possibly a brake job.
8. My girl will not be able to participate in extracurricular activities because of an academic situation that's not entirely her fault. I should've started her with the tutor way earlier in the year. Tennis has become her identity and it's heartbreaking she won't be able to play.
9. Two-and-a-half year relationship with my guy continues to make make me happy. Simply put, he is always in my corner, and I'm in his. Why must he live 120 miles away?
10. Spent hours on poignant graduation letter to son. Presented it to him a week ago and discovered it today, unopened.

When it rains it pours. But in the middle of the storm, wonderful things are happening too. It's as if God laid all these events out in front of me and said, "These are your challenges. You have the tools. React in a way that will make me proud of you." Some days my own competency amazes me. I can take on the entire list and pass each test with flying colors.  I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

But today, not so much. That song only serves to remind me I'm old enough to remember who the hell Helen Ready was. I feel like Kirsty Alley's character Rebecca in Cheers, who used to proclaim, "I'm too stupid to live!" A favorite family motto. Tomorrow will be better, but I own it today.

Why didn't I take other turns in life? Marry differently? Get more involved in the kids' schoolwork? Make smarter financial decisions? Take an auto maintenance class? Spend more time getting closer to my boy and girl? I dreamed last night our family was still together and hubby was driving us all in an SUV as we overlooked the ocean. I noticed the massive waves just before he took a turn and drove us straight into them. Some days, like this one, I am drowning.

I realize it's again one of those times when all I can do is throw up my hands and request of my God, "You take it from here. I'm too tired to drive this one home."

For now, I have to look at the encouraging items on the list. Four- and a-half of them are completely awesome! I have indeed done well, my friends tell me. And as one of them recently pointed out, we are all blessed with gifts too numerous to count ... and they keep coming. Maybe I should concentrate on mine instead of preparing my speech for the "Lame Mom of the Year" award.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.


  1. You are truly an amazing mom! In fact... an amazing person!!! And your kids are aware of this! Hang in and allow for the fact that we are merely human... and subject to the turns in the road of life. Peace & Mahalo!!!

  2. It was truly a mystic moment reading your post. I often feel overwhelmed by my challenges, but over the last several months, have come to appreciate the fact that these very challenges are what test my faith and bring me closer to my "god." Reading about journeys like yours makes mine seem more bearable at times.