take a chance

Brotherly wisdom found tucked in one of Timmie's books. Eight years ago today we lost him. I love that he lived his life adhering to this philosophy!

Firmly planted

This started out to be another one of those posts where I moan about the many disappointments leading up to my current maladies, as illustrated in nature by two empty plots of soil in my garden where the seeds I lovingly planted over two months ago failed to emerge from as sprouts. Just goes to show, I would keenly deduct, that even though you invest good time and energy on something you hope will produce fruit, God often has other plans. Yup, time to kiss the dream of having homegrown carrots and zinnias in my life goodbye. But in spite of this - here would be the "silver lining" part - I still would get to enjoy the gifts of two varieties of tomatoes, sunflowers, nasturtiums, cilantro, fresh thyme, marjoram, and rosemary - all of which are thriving quite nicely. (Note to self: for maximum results, plant seedlings instead of seeds).  Indeed, my god-given gifts - wonderful children; wise, supportive girlfriends; a good man in my life; great music and literature, and yes, even my own talents - are all in abundance as of late. But damn those two empty plots of soil ... no amount of sunshine, water, or Miracle-Gro will induce sprouting there. In a similar scenario, the emergency savings account I smarty opened a couple of  years ago is just as barren. Life is rough when you're a single mom dependent on child support from your ex, and even harder when said ex gets laid off and says he is unable to come up with the court-ordered monthly amount.

All of this was bound for the blog page this morning. The piece would have a happy ending: I'd just plant new seedlings - literally and figuratively - into the barren spots. New stuff would grow and I'd return to my happy, secure self. Before writing, I went to the garden to prepare the soil for the new plants. A quick turn of the shovel revealed ROOTS in that there soil. Come on ... two months and we're still working on the roots?  Then again, carrots pretty much are roots.  As usual, God has the perfect plan all along while I impatiently wait for things to go my way - and wail like a spoiled two-year-old when they don't.

I know what you are thinking: The fact that God can grow a mean carrot does not necessarily indicate he can solve more complicated problems like the Mathieson family finances. My own common sense tells me there's no way I can proceed on the current course and not completely fall flat on my face. No doubt I'd be bringing in at least a few times my current salary working at a similar position in the big city. But that would involve uprooting. Do I really want to do that when in all other respects my family is thriving right here? All I know is that whenever I ask him, God says no. When I ask why, he points me toward the forest, the ocean, or my garden. There is a reason I have taken roots here and it's not my duty to question that. I'm just supposed to keep things in a sunny spot and provide water and Miracle-Gro. He'll take care of the rest. Roots grow first.

Keep Breathing

"The storm is coming, but I don't mind. All that I know is I'm breathing."

So true ... at least in my case. Beautiful performance and beautiful song.

Rubber Duck Imposter

Another embarrassing mom moment: I've often purchased adorable cap & diploma ducks from the bevy of rubber ducks offered at Cambria Village Pharmacy. They make such cute graduation gifts! So I thought I'd give a couple to my son's friends, along with meager amounts of cash contained in cards containing well-wishes for their futures. I made a quick stop to the store on my lunch hour, grabbed the grad ducks in a rush, and placed them with the cards for the boys to find when they converged at our house yesterday. It wasn't until I got home after work when I realized the extra duck I purchased for my son was not a graduate duck, but in fact, a sailor duck. Adam and Jordan now think I'm certifiably nuts, and they're probably right.

too stupid to live

Kirstie Alley, as Rebecca, getting more bad news. Will things ever go her way?

It's been an event-filled month, wrought with triumphs and challenges, blessings and bad news.

Here's a list to get you up to speed:

1. My boy graduated from high school. He received $21,500 in scholarship money.

2. Hosted a graduation party and invited both sides of the family, some of whom haven't seen each other since the divorce. Things went surprisingly well.

3. My boy started a new job at a record/gaming/comic book store. One week out of school and he's already put in about 30 hours.

4. My ex-husband has been laid off for two months and no job in sight. I hate that I have to depend on him for income. I'm a college graduate for godsakes!

5. Court date tomorrow morning for the purpose of "support modification," arranged by said ex.

6. My girl just left for the best week of her year: Christian summer camp at Hume Lake.

7. Car needs four new tires and possibly a brake job.

8. My girl will not be able to participate in extracurricular activities because of an academic situation that's not entirely her fault. I should've started her with the tutor way earlier in the year. Tennis has become her identity and it's heartbreaking she won't be able to play.

9. Two-and-a-half year relationship with my guy continues to make make me happy. Simply put, he is always in my corner, and I'm in his. Why must he live 120 miles away?

10. Spent hours on poignant graduation letter to son. Presented it to him a week ago and discovered it today, unopened.

When it rains it pours. But in the middle of the storm, wonderful things are happening too. It's as if God laid all these events out in front of me and said, "These are your challenges. You have the tools. React in a way that will make me proud of you." Some days my own competency amazes me. I can take on the entire list and pass each test with flying colors.  I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

But today, not so much. That song only serves to remind me I'm old enough to remember who the hell Helen Ready was. I feel like Kirsty Alley's character Rebecca in Cheers, who used to proclaim, "I'm too stupid to live!" A favorite family motto. Tomorrow will be better, but I own it today.

Why didn't I take other turns in life? Marry differently? Get more involved in the kids' schoolwork? Make smarter financial decisions? Take an auto maintenance class? Spend more time getting closer to my boy and girl? I dreamed last night our family was still together and hubby was driving us all in an SUV as we overlooked the ocean. I noticed the massive waves just before he took a turn and drove us straight into them. Some days, like this one, I am drowning.

I realize it's again one of those times when all I can do is throw up my hands and request of my God, "You take it from here. I'm too tired to drive this one home."

For now, I have to look at the encouraging items on the list. Four- and a-half of them are completely awesome! I have indeed done well, my friends tell me. And as one of them recently pointed out, we are all blessed with gifts too numerous to count ... and they keep coming. Maybe I should concentrate on mine instead of preparing my speech for the "Lame Mom of the Year" award.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

soundtrack to this morning's prayer

"I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer." 
— Martin Luther

great moment in a movie:

"Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble? Apricots, soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting like apricots and makes them taste like honey... and if you wanted honey, you could just... buy honey. Instead of apricots. But nevertheless they're yours if you want them." 
— Hugh Grant as William Thacker, "Notting Hill"